I

I wanna die. I am worthless. I am an idiot beyond anything I can imagine. I just strained both of my ankles and now I am unable to move. I am bound to my bed. I won't be able to move for the following month. I won't get paid. I, I... I don't what else to say about me, other than writing the self-hate and contempt I harbor towards me at this moment. 

Cry, Scream, Breathe, and Repeat.

This last few days have been somewhat surprising for me. I have learned something about my current situation regarding depression and anxiety, specifically how it works in many cases. I become entrapped in the hell of my own imagination facing the problems of reality which I don’t know how to tackle nor solve as I don’t have any means or resources to do so. After some time, the problems amount to a weight I cannot handle anymore and I become obsessed with my own misery, screaming to no end. 

After I scream within my mind for a while (and in reality sometimes), I start crying tears over my unresolved problems thanks to my obsessiveness over them. The tears, may they be real or symbolic, start spilling out until my eyes are fully dried out. When that happens, I fight back my own depression with the hope I envision for myself regarding a better future. This way, I continue my struggle with hope in my heart. In this moments I breathe. 

But after this, a sudden relapse in depression destroys my hope the moment I am affronted by a problem too big for me to handle, resetting all this process again. Living like this is too exhausting. Who knows what is going to happen to me. No matter how many times I try to change, I become more depressed with time. Ironically, I still hope one day I can change my situation and myself for the better.

♬ The sewers belch me up
The heavens spit me out
From Ether's tragic I am born again
And now I'm with you now
Inside your world of wow
To move in desires made of deadly pretends
Till the end times begin

Is it bright where you are

Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour, I hold secrets flame
You can watch the world devoured in it's pain
Strange ♬

Smashing Pumpkins - The End is the Beginning is the End

Pity and Worthlessness.

Writing again. Feels uncomfortable to write now because I feel so worthless. My lack of consistency hurts my resolve and my own search of virtue. But I won’t dwell too much in that. My pain, my problems, and my lack of peace of mind will just aggravate the more I criticize myself. Still, the theme I am writing about today after my relapse is my very own self-pity and sense of worthlessness regarding my current state of mind and look on the future. Seems fitting knowing how utterly hopeless my future looks to me. 

What can I do to solve my problems? What the fuck can I do to pay my debt faster when you live in a third world country earning around what would be in dollars US$500 to live and pay your expenses, and you owe US$23,856.86 out of a University degree that doesn’t seem to be paying back the investment in education? I don’t know. Work more? Get a second job? But if I do that, that I will get to my house even more tired and burn my life away, only living to pay the money I worked so hard to somebody else.

I am very thankful for my job. If I didn’t have it, things may be worse. But I as go own and working, I feel bad. I feel worthless. How can I change?

No song today. I don’t feel good.

I Am Going Insane.

I had to write anything today. I am just going insane here. I don’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t breathe before, but now I feel like I am fully drowning. I hate debt. I hate feeling powerless. I hate these negative emotions invading my mind as if demons were trying to chain me down while they try to crush me with the weight of my own misery and anxiousness towards debt and mental problems. People are suffering more than me somewhere in the world, so I don’t want to sound conceited. But I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore.

I want to believe that things will get better but my mind is toying with madness and my sanity is being diminished like in Eternal Darkness and Amnesia: The Dark Descent. I just need to see monsters and will officially go to an asylum. I can’t sleep sometimes. I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I feel so very pathetic. I feel so worthless. I wonder, does my life hold meaning? I want to think that yes, it does. I feel like I am going to die of sadness but I don’t want to surrender myself to hopelessness. I wish somebody could help me. God, please help me.

 ♫ I wish somebody would empty my head

I am so sorry for the things that I've said

The hopeless feeling that's living inside

I'm just a lonely soul who's trying to find some peace of mind ♫

Peace of Mind - Black Sabbath

Relapse.

I am ashamed to be writing right now. I said before that I would try to write more to help myself with my battles against depression and anxiety. Well, I didn’t fulfill that statement. More than a week has passed without me writing anything. I suppose I need to just continue on with this even if I am not consistent. I only have this place where I can articulate my thoughts freely without looking crazy or dumb. So I will continue to write without trying to judge myself so much. 

Back to the point, I had a relapse last week. I was again feeling horrifyingly sad and hopeless. The more I think of my inability to change my situation, help my family, and pay my debts, the more I feel like a slave to my own misery without a chance to break free. I don’t know what to do. That is all. I don’t know what actions are needed to make my life better. This feeling is overwhelming. Really, uncertainty is a nightmare for someone like me. I just hope I can overcome this phase of my life.

 ♫ I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free ♫

I Want To Break Free - Queen

Uncertainty.

Today is a difficult day to write. I want to but I don’t want to. At first, I thought I didn’t want to write because I was forcing myself to do it. But after a moment of silence, I understood the reason was that I was uncertain about the subject. I normally write about my daily experiences and situations regarding my mental state of health. Then I realized that a good subject was in front of me. I am uncertain of the future. I am afraid of the future.

I am sad that I don’t have the means to remediate a situation if it appears in front of me out of nowhere. I really hate my lack of resources. But I hate myself even more for always nagging and complaining about it. I want to stop complaining and start making money. But I don’t know-how. And then I ask myself what should I do. And when I can’t answer myself, I feel hopeless and sad. But I don’t want to lose hope. But I am uncertain about what to do. God, please help me I pray. I don’t know how to stop this uncertainty. 

This situation is something that faces me every day. I pray to God and ask if maybe is that the request is ill-formed or if it is not the right thing to ask. But I still don’t know. I feel like a guy going back up every time my mind beats me down again and again. I hope things get better. No, let’s take it up one notch today. Things will get better no matter what. I will be able to fulfill my dream and I will find peace of mind. I say this even in the face of uncertainty.

 

♫ In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains ♫

The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel

I Want To Live and Be Happy.

This is an emergency piece of my blog. Today has been horrifying for my mind. I don’t remember the last time I was so depressed in a day. I never had so many dark thoughts in one day. My mind is going to the darkest corners giving me a tour of the places I hate thinking about. In particular, suicidal thoughts which to me are unforgivable. I hate the idea of me being so weak that I prefer to end myself for the sake of running away from the pain. I outright hate my current lack of resources and not having any idea of how to change things for the better.

But still, I don’t want to give up. Something better must be coming my way. Someone, somewhere, or something, whichever it is, I will find the thing that will help me change my situation for the better. May my heart suffers, may I scream until my lungs give up, may I face the darkest places inside the human mind, I still want to live and find happiness. Or better yet, find meaning to my self-torment. I want to look back on my past one day and say that my pain wasn’t in vain. 

I am crying right now. I can feel how the tears are drying up to my skin. I want to live and be happy about it.

♫ But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair ♫

Mumford & Sons – After The Storm

Waking Up Feeling Miserable.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on this blog. I think more than 2 weeks have passed without a single new letter being typed on this place. But it feels longer to me. Well, with this consistency of writing, so long to the idea of making this a new little source of income. But I don’t care much about that. To be honest, I don’t have any faith in making this something that can make me money. I don’t believe I have the abilities to do so, and I don’t like the idea of writing anything that feels forced. Makes me feel off. 

This place is my cave so I can scream and get some relief so I don’t feel like I am going to die any second out of anxiety and stress. Today particularly, I woke up feeling miserable for many private reasons. It feels painful. My eyes feel heavy. My mind is adrift in space flying higher than any bird of prey. I know people that suffer more than me with their own struggles in life. So I don’t want to be the ungrateful, pathetic, coward who thinks that the world exists to cater to my every whim.

But what a lie to myself would it be if I were to say: “I feel great today”. I know that having the ability to smile in the face of adversity is something invaluable. It shows the strength of the person in question. But I still don’t have that strength. Now, to end this in maybe a lighter note so I don’t go back to my own business like a walking corpse, I want to always remember, this is only a moment in time. Not an eternal frame in time. So God willing, and me fighting, things can hopefully get better.