Good or Bad, All Times Matter.

This year has been a true roller coaster of emotions. The unprecedented amount of events that could change my emotions from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other is crazy. It has been surprisingly fun. It has been depressingly sad. It has given me great gifts and horrifying blows to my self-esteem. From great news concerning my private projects to medical bills needing to be paid. All this has brought me to the break-even point where I accept everything as it came.

It's because of all these things that I can say I am alive. So this Christmas I shall thank my friends, my family, and God for all the things that I have experienced this year. Some things were really sweet. Some others were truly and utterly bitter. And some were bittersweet. With this, I hope I can sleep well and give thanks for the character I am developing as I grow older every day. So I can say in the end that I have lived in a dignified way proud of myself.

♫ In the days of my youth
I was told what it was to be a man
Now I've reached the age
I've tried to do all those things the best I can
No matter how I try
I find my way to do the same old jam

Good times, bad times
You know I had my share
When my woman left home
With a brown eyed man
Well, I still don't seem to care ♫

Good Times Bad Times - Led Zeppelin

Whole Lotta Frustration.

Every day, I examine my current state. I try to think about what is missing within me and within my life. I try to understand what exactly I should do to become a better man. To become the best version of myself. But, the more I think about it, the more frustrated I become thinking that what I am now is not enough. I argue with myself in the mirror, saying that I am not worth it. "Look at what you are. You haven't achieved anything significant and you never will".

This is daily. I value myself on the scale of how reliable I am when things go wrong. These are the moments that put me to the test. But I now see that I demand too much of myself. I don't have a contingency plan for every situation. I am not infallible. I am poor, don't have many connections, and I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for the help of the people that care for me. Because of this, I want to say thank you to everyone that has helped me in my life. You are the reason I stand on my own two feet today.  

I will deal with my frustration and accept my shortcomings. Not because all my problems will be resolved. But because I want to be happy even with my whole lotta frustration. 

♫ You need cooling

Baby I'm not fooling

I'm gonna send ya

Back to schooling

A-way down inside

A-honey you need it

I'm gonna give you my love

I'm gonna give you my love

Want to whole lotta love

Want to whole lotta love

Want to whole lotta love

Want to whole lotta love ♫

Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

Basics.

I started this blog as I way to understand myself and find ways to handle the problems that I make for myself. As the aftermath, I thought that this blog may hold information to help other people is situations alike to mine. But after some post, and further understanding of myself, I believe that this portal has solely become the cave where I shout and cry over my situation. And I believe that this cannot stand. I will not be a slave to my own misery. I will present my grin. And take it easy.

Because of this, I am going back to the idea of understanding and finding ways to deal with my own bullshit. With that said, I may inadvertently devolve to what this blog has become today. But it won't happen if I make an effort to concentrate on solving my problems or learning to be at peace with them. With this said I will stand my ground against my problems, depression, and negativity. They won't disappear, but I won't surrender to them. 

Okay....

Something interesting happened to me just a moment ago. I started to spat blood from my mouth. I didn't have bloody teeth nor any part of my mouth. That made me more afraid than anything today. The thing is, now I feel more invigorated to fight my shitty situation. Nothing like the fearsome unknown that may hunt your body to revitalize you.

I

I wanna die. I am worthless. I am an idiot beyond anything I can imagine. I just strained both of my ankles and now I am unable to move. I am bound to my bed. I won't be able to move for the following month. I won't get paid. I, I... I don't what else to say about me, other than writing the self-hate and contempt I harbor towards me at this moment. 

Laugh with Passion.

It has been some time since I wrote a proper piece with a positive outlook. Action has been taken regarding some issues I have to face daily. I feel better now and a little more empowered. I am even at the point which I can smile with passion. What I mean by this is that when you see a smile or a grin on my face and you hear my laughter, you will understand that I mean it. Normally, when I laugh, the source of my chuckle is a cynical thing or event which would only mark me as someone whose dreams are dead. 

But this thing has not been so prevalent these days due to the actions I took so I could take a load off my back. Also, to add to my sudden surge in peace and happiness, the holidays are coming and the Christmas season has started. In my country, Christmas is sacred. Not because of the gifts or decorations. But because it is a time of the year that truly brings the family together. This combination of events makes me feel happy. Thank God for life and thanks to everyone who shines our days.

♬ Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it ♬

Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

Don't Lose the Habit.

New entry coming soon.

I won't lose the habit.

Cry, Scream, Breathe, and Repeat.

This last few days have been somewhat surprising for me. I have learned something about my current situation regarding depression and anxiety, specifically how it works in many cases. I become entrapped in the hell of my own imagination facing the problems of reality which I don’t know how to tackle nor solve as I don’t have any means or resources to do so. After some time, the problems amount to a weight I cannot handle anymore and I become obsessed with my own misery, screaming to no end. 

After I scream within my mind for a while (and in reality sometimes), I start crying tears over my unresolved problems thanks to my obsessiveness over them. The tears, may they be real or symbolic, start spilling out until my eyes are fully dried out. When that happens, I fight back my own depression with the hope I envision for myself regarding a better future. This way, I continue my struggle with hope in my heart. In this moments I breathe. 

But after this, a sudden relapse in depression destroys my hope the moment I am affronted by a problem too big for me to handle, resetting all this process again. Living like this is too exhausting. Who knows what is going to happen to me. No matter how many times I try to change, I become more depressed with time. Ironically, I still hope one day I can change my situation and myself for the better.

♬ The sewers belch me up
The heavens spit me out
From Ether's tragic I am born again
And now I'm with you now
Inside your world of wow
To move in desires made of deadly pretends
Till the end times begin

Is it bright where you are

Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour, I hold secrets flame
You can watch the world devoured in it's pain
Strange ♬

Smashing Pumpkins - The End is the Beginning is the End

Pity and Worthlessness.

Writing again. Feels uncomfortable to write now because I feel so worthless. My lack of consistency hurts my resolve and my own search of virtue. But I won’t dwell too much in that. My pain, my problems, and my lack of peace of mind will just aggravate the more I criticize myself. Still, the theme I am writing about today after my relapse is my very own self-pity and sense of worthlessness regarding my current state of mind and look on the future. Seems fitting knowing how utterly hopeless my future looks to me. 

What can I do to solve my problems? What the fuck can I do to pay my debt faster when you live in a third world country earning around what would be in dollars US$500 to live and pay your expenses, and you owe US$23,856.86 out of a University degree that doesn’t seem to be paying back the investment in education? I don’t know. Work more? Get a second job? But if I do that, that I will get to my house even more tired and burn my life away, only living to pay the money I worked so hard to somebody else.

I am very thankful for my job. If I didn’t have it, things may be worse. But I as go own and working, I feel bad. I feel worthless. How can I change?

No song today. I don’t feel good.

I Am Going Insane.

I had to write anything today. I am just going insane here. I don’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t breathe before, but now I feel like I am fully drowning. I hate debt. I hate feeling powerless. I hate these negative emotions invading my mind as if demons were trying to chain me down while they try to crush me with the weight of my own misery and anxiousness towards debt and mental problems. People are suffering more than me somewhere in the world, so I don’t want to sound conceited. But I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore.

I want to believe that things will get better but my mind is toying with madness and my sanity is being diminished like in Eternal Darkness and Amnesia: The Dark Descent. I just need to see monsters and will officially go to an asylum. I can’t sleep sometimes. I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I feel so very pathetic. I feel so worthless. I wonder, does my life hold meaning? I want to think that yes, it does. I feel like I am going to die of sadness but I don’t want to surrender myself to hopelessness. I wish somebody could help me. God, please help me.

 ♫ I wish somebody would empty my head

I am so sorry for the things that I've said

The hopeless feeling that's living inside

I'm just a lonely soul who's trying to find some peace of mind ♫

Peace of Mind - Black Sabbath

Relapse.

I am ashamed to be writing right now. I said before that I would try to write more to help myself with my battles against depression and anxiety. Well, I didn’t fulfill that statement. More than a week has passed without me writing anything. I suppose I need to just continue on with this even if I am not consistent. I only have this place where I can articulate my thoughts freely without looking crazy or dumb. So I will continue to write without trying to judge myself so much. 

Back to the point, I had a relapse last week. I was again feeling horrifyingly sad and hopeless. The more I think of my inability to change my situation, help my family, and pay my debts, the more I feel like a slave to my own misery without a chance to break free. I don’t know what to do. That is all. I don’t know what actions are needed to make my life better. This feeling is overwhelming. Really, uncertainty is a nightmare for someone like me. I just hope I can overcome this phase of my life.

 ♫ I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free ♫

I Want To Break Free - Queen