Better Than Yesterday.

Yesterday, and before yesterday. These two days were hard on me. Suddenly, I felt as if I fell inside a pitch black abyss right out of a story from H.P. Lovecraft. The human mind can become darker than black sometimes. But today, today I feel better. The situation is under control and I feel more at peace for now. I hope I can keep working on becoming the better man that I want to be. I still feel full Khalid: Young, Dumb, & Broke. But I still feel better. 

Today is Thursday and have finished almost all of my responsibilities at my job. So I have time to write. When I look back at all the things I have written, most of them are about how to handle difficult situations and uncomfortable moments. All from my point of view. But let’s change gear. Today I am going to write about things I like. I normally enjoy music and video games. So I will talk today about the last album I heard that I enjoyed a lot. This album is Eminem’s Kamikaze. 

Out of nowhere, Eminem came firing shots and crashing against anyone and everyone. The album contains many of the things that made Eminem a household name in rap. Lyrical mastery is used to what can be called maybe holy levels. Catchy beats, good hooks and swings, and the unbound aggressiveness that is more akin to Eminem's prior days making music as Slim Shady. This is only enhanced with the unapologetic attitude that Eminem shows in the aftermath of people’s reaction to the album. 

Many critics didn’t like the album. In my opinion, their opinion can be summarized as to say “Meh”. But I personally think that the careful details and meticulous preparation of the album make it shine. I like it. My three favorite songs are without any order: 1) The Ringer, 2) Fall, and 3)Venom. Honorable mentions to Not Alike and Lucky You. Lucky You has been the one to do better in the charts and Not Alike gave us the feud with MG Kelly which later gave us Killshot. So deserved applause to them. 

But my top three just tickle my personal preference. The Ringer is Eminem’s lyrical ability at its finest. Fall has the catchiest beat with sweet rhymes. And Venom is weird with strange tempos and crazy but fun lyrics. This one, in particular, is unique but it grows on you easily. So it hit the mark. I will end this post here. So far it has been music rambling. But I just feel happy that I can ramble without feeling depressed.

P.S.

Eminem's last album Music to be Murdered By (both the first edition and Side B) are amazing.

I Want To Live and Be Happy.

This is an emergency piece of my blog. Today has been horrifying for my mind. I don’t remember the last time I was so depressed in a day. I never had so many dark thoughts in one day. My mind is going to the darkest corners giving me a tour of the places I hate thinking about. In particular, suicidal thoughts which to me are unforgivable. I hate the idea of me being so weak that I prefer to end myself for the sake of running away from the pain. I outright hate my current lack of resources and not having any idea of how to change things for the better.

But still, I don’t want to give up. Something better must be coming my way. Someone, somewhere, or something, whichever it is, I will find the thing that will help me change my situation for the better. May my heart suffers, may I scream until my lungs give up, may I face the darkest places inside the human mind, I still want to live and find happiness. Or better yet, find meaning to my self-torment. I want to look back on my past one day and say that my pain wasn’t in vain. 

I am crying right now. I can feel how the tears are drying up to my skin. I want to live and be happy about it.

♫ But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair ♫

Mumford & Sons – After The Storm

Waking Up Feeling Miserable.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on this blog. I think more than 2 weeks have passed without a single new letter being typed on this place. But it feels longer to me. Well, with this consistency of writing, so long to the idea of making this a new little source of income. But I don’t care much about that. To be honest, I don’t have any faith in making this something that can make me money. I don’t believe I have the abilities to do so, and I don’t like the idea of writing anything that feels forced. Makes me feel off. 

This place is my cave so I can scream and get some relief so I don’t feel like I am going to die any second out of anxiety and stress. Today particularly, I woke up feeling miserable for many private reasons. It feels painful. My eyes feel heavy. My mind is adrift in space flying higher than any bird of prey. I know people that suffer more than me with their own struggles in life. So I don’t want to be the ungrateful, pathetic, coward who thinks that the world exists to cater to my every whim.

But what a lie to myself would it be if I were to say: “I feel great today”. I know that having the ability to smile in the face of adversity is something invaluable. It shows the strength of the person in question. But I still don’t have that strength. Now, to end this in maybe a lighter note so I don’t go back to my own business like a walking corpse, I want to always remember, this is only a moment in time. Not an eternal frame in time. So God willing, and me fighting, things can hopefully get better.

Bad Mondays.

Mondays. A bittersweet word for many who feel like it should be taken out of the dictionary. I don’t blame them. This word means something very hard to accept. It means a “beginning”. Beginnings are always hard because you are starting from scratch a journey, an odyssey, a mission that will take a toll on you, and in the end, you will feel exhausted and ready to fall. This may sound dramatic but I am sure that is the case for some people. And again, I don’t blame them. 

But I try to find a different mindset for Mondays. I feel like blaming the day for whatever is bothering you is wasting your breath and thoughts on something inconsequential. Blaming Mondays is the same as blaming the times for our current problems. The times themselves don’t mean anything without the actions prior to them to result in the present turn of events. I suppose what I am trying to say is that we need to find what is bothering us and try to change it if we can. I am not trying to preach here. Just looking for a possible solution to my problems. 

Today I woke up feeling horrible. Went to my job and didn’t do too well. But I try to understand that Mondays are not bad. They are just part of the time I am spending while I am alive. I am grateful for that.

New Perspectives

The principal idea behind this blog is to create a place where I can release the accumulated flood of emotions I tend to burden myself with. These emotions tend to be negative and depressing due to an overabundant amount anxiety and stress. So to counter that, I try to reflect on these bad episodes inside my mind to learn new things, take a breather, and look for a positive side. Even if I make this blog for my own health, I invite anyone interested to do the same. 

Now to the topic at hand. Lately, I have felt the need to try to alleviate myself from the constant stress I feel most of the days. To do this, I am looking to formulate a new perspective in which I will run from any stressful stimuli and let things go from my mind. In other words, I want to be as chill and slippery as water. For this, I have taken an example of one of the most prominent new artist of the moment, Post Malone. I have read a lot of things from him after enjoying some of his music.

But the most fun thing about him must be the way he behaves in interviews and other social activities. The three words that came to my mind when I saw him on “Hot Ones” were charming, endearing, and most important, chill. I want to emulate, not his lifestyle nor personality, but his attitude to some degree. This new perspective might give me some insight on how to live more peacefully. Another possibly good role model for this could be the legendary Bob Marley.

Note: Hearing Bob Marley’s album Legend or Post Malone songs Candy Paint or Rockstar tends to chill me out.