I Want To Live and Be Happy.

This is an emergency piece of my blog. Today has been horrifying for my mind. I don’t remember the last time I was so depressed in a day. I never had so many dark thoughts in one day. My mind is going to the darkest corners giving me a tour of the places I hate thinking about. In particular, suicidal thoughts which to me are unforgivable. I hate the idea of me being so weak that I prefer to end myself for the sake of running away from the pain. I outright hate my current lack of resources and not having any idea of how to change things for the better.

But still, I don’t want to give up. Something better must be coming my way. Someone, somewhere, or something, whichever it is, I will find the thing that will help me change my situation for the better. May my heart suffers, may I scream until my lungs give up, may I face the darkest places inside the human mind, I still want to live and find happiness. Or better yet, find meaning to my self-torment. I want to look back on my past one day and say that my pain wasn’t in vain. 

I am crying right now. I can feel how the tears are drying up to my skin. I want to live and be happy about it.

♫ But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair ♫

Mumford & Sons – After The Storm