When You Are Fed Up With Yourself.

I went on a trip yesterday. I didn’t walk and didn’t pay for a cab or Bus. It wasn’t self-induced with drugs or anything of that nature. The vehicle was my thoughts and spirit. The fuel was my tiredness and my pent-up rage. The destination was the inner deeps of my brain and my psyche. The trip was fun. I was speaking to myself like in a movie making sarcastic and funny comments about how my brain works and how it is tearing me apart. How everything I conjured became a sad drama in my head. 

The setup was “what would happen if I was able to fix each of my present problems”. The first thing I honestly thought was “how I was going to fix the problems that will come after I fix everything in the present”. I exploded. I said, “fuck this shit”. That was just too much. I don’t care how difficult things look now, I can’t live in a constant state of depression that won’t let me see the good things that happen around me. Nothing has changed. Nothing has happened that would make my environment better. 

But my Lord, for the love of everything that is holy, why in the world would I think which problems will come after fixing my present problems? That is just being suicidally masochistic. That is just borderline madness. After that, I shouted to myself “Shut the fuck up, for fuck sake. Things are hard, but enough is enough. THINGS WILL BE ALRIGHT. So give me a fucking break BRAIN.” I felt better after that and I took a breather. I will try to take it easy today.

♬ Alright, I'm ready now, ready now
I ain't gonna, I ain't gonna fall back down now
Alright, I'll take it on, take it on me
Take it on me, hm, baby♬

♬All I ever ask, ever ask
Are you gonna, are you gonna be my lover?
Tonight, and take it with, take it with me
Take it with me♬

♬What if I left and it made no sense
And you tell your friends and they hold your hands?
Baby, nevermind, nevermind
Nevermind, nevermind ♬

Dennis Lloyd - Nevermind