Cry, Scream, Breathe, and Repeat.

This last few days have been somewhat surprising for me. I have learned something about my current situation regarding depression and anxiety, specifically how it works in many cases. I become entrapped in the hell of my own imagination facing the problems of reality which I don’t know how to tackle nor solve as I don’t have any means or resources to do so. After some time, the problems amount to a weight I cannot handle anymore and I become obsessed with my own misery, screaming to no end. 

After I scream within my mind for a while (and in reality sometimes), I start crying tears over my unresolved problems thanks to my obsessiveness over them. The tears, may they be real or symbolic, start spilling out until my eyes are fully dried out. When that happens, I fight back my own depression with the hope I envision for myself regarding a better future. This way, I continue my struggle with hope in my heart. In this moments I breathe. 

But after this, a sudden relapse in depression destroys my hope the moment I am affronted by a problem too big for me to handle, resetting all this process again. Living like this is too exhausting. Who knows what is going to happen to me. No matter how many times I try to change, I become more depressed with time. Ironically, I still hope one day I can change my situation and myself for the better.

♬ The sewers belch me up
The heavens spit me out
From Ether's tragic I am born again
And now I'm with you now
Inside your world of wow
To move in desires made of deadly pretends
Till the end times begin

Is it bright where you are

Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour, I hold secrets flame
You can watch the world devoured in it's pain
Strange ♬

Smashing Pumpkins - The End is the Beginning is the End