Next Year, Next Phase.

We are close to the end of another year. This year has been hectic for me to say the least and I am sure it has been also for a lot of other people. That is very good. Activity is what keeps us moving. The fact that we think that we are making some kind of advancement toward any kind of goal is uplifting. The tradition of many people is to make a list of their goals for the next year. I for once will make it different. I won't disclose my goals. Instead, I will disclose the things that I will leave behind.

I have two things that I will leave behind. They are the habit of feeling pathetic and self-pitiful. I will leave behind the idea that because I feel the world is falling on me, I need to scream it out to everybody and hope they help. This will stop. Not the fact that I may ask for help in times of need. But instead, the feeling of entitlement that makes anyone feel like they must be helped by others. I have goals, and I will grab the bull by the horns with a smile. I won't let being pathetic be a defining trait of mine. 

At least, that feeling of self-pity is what I want to leave behind, This sounds arrogant and would make me look like an absolute idiot if I don't fulfill it after declaring this with so much confidence and impudence. I least will try to make it happen. 

♫ Now there was a time,

When you loved me so.

I couldn't do wrong,

And now you need to know.

See, I been a bad bad bad bad man.

And I'm in deep, yeah.

I found a brand new love for this man,

And can't wait till you see.

I can't wait.

So how you like me now?

How you like me now?

How you like me now?

How you like me now? ♫

How You Like Me Now? - The Heavy

Good or Bad, All Times Matter.

This year has been a true roller coaster of emotions. The unprecedented amount of events that could change my emotions from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other is crazy. It has been surprisingly fun. It has been depressingly sad. It has given me great gifts and horrifying blows to my self-esteem. From great news concerning my private projects to medical bills needing to be paid. All this has brought me to the break-even point where I accept everything as it came.

It's because of all these things that I can say I am alive. So this Christmas I shall thank my friends, my family, and God for all the things that I have experienced this year. Some things were really sweet. Some others were truly and utterly bitter. And some were bittersweet. With this, I hope I can sleep well and give thanks for the character I am developing as I grow older every day. So I can say in the end that I have lived in a dignified way proud of myself.

♫ In the days of my youth
I was told what it was to be a man
Now I've reached the age
I've tried to do all those things the best I can
No matter how I try
I find my way to do the same old jam

Good times, bad times
You know I had my share
When my woman left home
With a brown eyed man
Well, I still don't seem to care ♫

Good Times Bad Times - Led Zeppelin

Whole Lotta Frustration.

Every day, I examine my current state. I try to think about what is missing within me and within my life. I try to understand what exactly I should do to become a better man. To become the best version of myself. But, the more I think about it, the more frustrated I become thinking that what I am now is not enough. I argue with myself in the mirror, saying that I am not worth it. "Look at what you are. You haven't achieved anything significant and you never will".

This is daily. I value myself on the scale of how reliable I am when things go wrong. These are the moments that put me to the test. But I now see that I demand too much of myself. I don't have a contingency plan for every situation. I am not infallible. I am poor, don't have many connections, and I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for the help of the people that care for me. Because of this, I want to say thank you to everyone that has helped me in my life. You are the reason I stand on my own two feet today.  

I will deal with my frustration and accept my shortcomings. Not because all my problems will be resolved. But because I want to be happy even with my whole lotta frustration. 

♫ You need cooling

Baby I'm not fooling

I'm gonna send ya

Back to schooling

A-way down inside

A-honey you need it

I'm gonna give you my love

I'm gonna give you my love

Want to whole lotta love

Want to whole lotta love

Want to whole lotta love

Want to whole lotta love ♫

Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

Basics.

I started this blog as I way to understand myself and find ways to handle the problems that I make for myself. As the aftermath, I thought that this blog may hold information to help other people is situations alike to mine. But after some post, and further understanding of myself, I believe that this portal has solely become the cave where I shout and cry over my situation. And I believe that this cannot stand. I will not be a slave to my own misery. I will present my grin. And take it easy.

Because of this, I am going back to the idea of understanding and finding ways to deal with my own bullshit. With that said, I may inadvertently devolve to what this blog has become today. But it won't happen if I make an effort to concentrate on solving my problems or learning to be at peace with them. With this said I will stand my ground against my problems, depression, and negativity. They won't disappear, but I won't surrender to them. 

Okay....

Something interesting happened to me just a moment ago. I started to spat blood from my mouth. I didn't have bloody teeth nor any part of my mouth. That made me more afraid than anything today. The thing is, now I feel more invigorated to fight my shitty situation. Nothing like the fearsome unknown that may hunt your body to revitalize you.

I

I wanna die. I am worthless. I am an idiot beyond anything I can imagine. I just strained both of my ankles and now I am unable to move. I am bound to my bed. I won't be able to move for the following month. I won't get paid. I, I... I don't what else to say about me, other than writing the self-hate and contempt I harbor towards me at this moment. 

Laugh with Passion.

It has been some time since I wrote a proper piece with a positive outlook. Action has been taken regarding some issues I have to face daily. I feel better now and a little more empowered. I am even at the point which I can smile with passion. What I mean by this is that when you see a smile or a grin on my face and you hear my laughter, you will understand that I mean it. Normally, when I laugh, the source of my chuckle is a cynical thing or event which would only mark me as someone whose dreams are dead. 

But this thing has not been so prevalent these days due to the actions I took so I could take a load off my back. Also, to add to my sudden surge in peace and happiness, the holidays are coming and the Christmas season has started. In my country, Christmas is sacred. Not because of the gifts or decorations. But because it is a time of the year that truly brings the family together. This combination of events makes me feel happy. Thank God for life and thanks to everyone who shines our days.

♬ Save some face, you know you've only got one
Change your ways while you're young
Boy, one day you'll be a man
Oh girl, he'll help you understand

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren't what they used to be
Some things sat by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it ♬

Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

Don't Lose the Habit.

New entry coming soon.

I won't lose the habit.