When You Feel That You Are Worthless.

May this text never find eyes that show interest in it except my own, for I have made all the little pieces of information in this blog primarily for myself so I can fight the crippling depression and sea of horrendous emotions that swell in me. But if by mere coincidence or divine providence, a soul takes solace in this or any text of my blog, may this puddle of information give that soul some peace of mind. That is one of my sincere wishes. 

Yesterday was hard. I didn’t meet some metrics for my job and now I am not gonna get my full salary at the end of the month. Or to be more transparent, I won’t get the full incentives which are part of my salary. This hurts me deeply, for I need every cent I can to survive and pay what I owe. This makes me feel beyond worthless. I feel like if feces would be a more pleasant sight than seeing my own reflection in a mirror. It’s hard just to make eye contact with myself sometimes. 

But as I see my hands and understand my existence in the reality of this world, I want to fight this worthless feeling. I don’t want to live in the ground eating dirt feeling pathetic. I have people that I love and that even depend on me. There is much more in life than just this moment in which I am suffering to the point of torture. There has to be. A silver lining will appear God willing. My tears will dry. And in the end, I will stand tall with my shoulders on my back.

I don’t want to give up on myself. I will find happiness and peace of mind, or maybe they will find me.