Uncertainty.

Today is a difficult day to write. I want to but I don’t want to. At first, I thought I didn’t want to write because I was forcing myself to do it. But after a moment of silence, I understood the reason was that I was uncertain about the subject. I normally write about my daily experiences and situations regarding my mental state of health. Then I realized that a good subject was in front of me. I am uncertain of the future. I am afraid of the future.

I am sad that I don’t have the means to remediate a situation if it appears in front of me out of nowhere. I really hate my lack of resources. But I hate myself even more for always nagging and complaining about it. I want to stop complaining and start making money. But I don’t know-how. And then I ask myself what should I do. And when I can’t answer myself, I feel hopeless and sad. But I don’t want to lose hope. But I am uncertain about what to do. God, please help me I pray. I don’t know how to stop this uncertainty. 

This situation is something that faces me every day. I pray to God and ask if maybe is that the request is ill-formed or if it is not the right thing to ask. But I still don’t know. I feel like a guy going back up every time my mind beats me down again and again. I hope things get better. No, let’s take it up one notch today. Things will get better no matter what. I will be able to fulfill my dream and I will find peace of mind. I say this even in the face of uncertainty.

 

♫ In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains ♫

The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel