Cry, Scream, Breathe, and Repeat.

This last few days have been somewhat surprising for me. I have learned something about my current situation regarding depression and anxiety, specifically how it works in many cases. I become entrapped in the hell of my own imagination facing the problems of reality which I don’t know how to tackle nor solve as I don’t have any means or resources to do so. After some time, the problems amount to a weight I cannot handle anymore and I become obsessed with my own misery, screaming to no end. 

After I scream within my mind for a while (and in reality sometimes), I start crying tears over my unresolved problems thanks to my obsessiveness over them. The tears, may they be real or symbolic, start spilling out until my eyes are fully dried out. When that happens, I fight back my own depression with the hope I envision for myself regarding a better future. This way, I continue my struggle with hope in my heart. In this moments I breathe. 

But after this, a sudden relapse in depression destroys my hope the moment I am affronted by a problem too big for me to handle, resetting all this process again. Living like this is too exhausting. Who knows what is going to happen to me. No matter how many times I try to change, I become more depressed with time. Ironically, I still hope one day I can change my situation and myself for the better.

♬ The sewers belch me up
The heavens spit me out
From Ether's tragic I am born again
And now I'm with you now
Inside your world of wow
To move in desires made of deadly pretends
Till the end times begin

Is it bright where you are

Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour, I hold secrets flame
You can watch the world devoured in it's pain
Strange ♬

Smashing Pumpkins - The End is the Beginning is the End

Pity and Worthlessness.

Writing again. Feels uncomfortable to write now because I feel so worthless. My lack of consistency hurts my resolve and my own search of virtue. But I won’t dwell too much in that. My pain, my problems, and my lack of peace of mind will just aggravate the more I criticize myself. Still, the theme I am writing about today after my relapse is my very own self-pity and sense of worthlessness regarding my current state of mind and look on the future. Seems fitting knowing how utterly hopeless my future looks to me. 

What can I do to solve my problems? What the fuck can I do to pay my debt faster when you live in a third world country earning around what would be in dollars US$500 to live and pay your expenses, and you owe US$23,856.86 out of a University degree that doesn’t seem to be paying back the investment in education? I don’t know. Work more? Get a second job? But if I do that, that I will get to my house even more tired and burn my life away, only living to pay the money I worked so hard to somebody else.

I am very thankful for my job. If I didn’t have it, things may be worse. But I as go own and working, I feel bad. I feel worthless. How can I change?

No song today. I don’t feel good.

I Am Going Insane.

I had to write anything today. I am just going insane here. I don’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t breathe before, but now I feel like I am fully drowning. I hate debt. I hate feeling powerless. I hate these negative emotions invading my mind as if demons were trying to chain me down while they try to crush me with the weight of my own misery and anxiousness towards debt and mental problems. People are suffering more than me somewhere in the world, so I don’t want to sound conceited. But I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore.

I want to believe that things will get better but my mind is toying with madness and my sanity is being diminished like in Eternal Darkness and Amnesia: The Dark Descent. I just need to see monsters and will officially go to an asylum. I can’t sleep sometimes. I am afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I feel so very pathetic. I feel so worthless. I wonder, does my life hold meaning? I want to think that yes, it does. I feel like I am going to die of sadness but I don’t want to surrender myself to hopelessness. I wish somebody could help me. God, please help me.

 ♫ I wish somebody would empty my head

I am so sorry for the things that I've said

The hopeless feeling that's living inside

I'm just a lonely soul who's trying to find some peace of mind ♫

Peace of Mind - Black Sabbath

Relapse.

I am ashamed to be writing right now. I said before that I would try to write more to help myself with my battles against depression and anxiety. Well, I didn’t fulfill that statement. More than a week has passed without me writing anything. I suppose I need to just continue on with this even if I am not consistent. I only have this place where I can articulate my thoughts freely without looking crazy or dumb. So I will continue to write without trying to judge myself so much. 

Back to the point, I had a relapse last week. I was again feeling horrifyingly sad and hopeless. The more I think of my inability to change my situation, help my family, and pay my debts, the more I feel like a slave to my own misery without a chance to break free. I don’t know what to do. That is all. I don’t know what actions are needed to make my life better. This feeling is overwhelming. Really, uncertainty is a nightmare for someone like me. I just hope I can overcome this phase of my life.

 ♫ I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free ♫

I Want To Break Free - Queen