Uncertainty.

Today is a difficult day to write. I want to but I don’t want to. At first, I thought I didn’t want to write because I was forcing myself to do it. But after a moment of silence, I understood the reason was that I was uncertain about the subject. I normally write about my daily experiences and situations regarding my mental state of health. Then I realized that a good subject was in front of me. I am uncertain of the future. I am afraid of the future.

I am sad that I don’t have the means to remediate a situation if it appears in front of me out of nowhere. I really hate my lack of resources. But I hate myself even more for always nagging and complaining about it. I want to stop complaining and start making money. But I don’t know-how. And then I ask myself what should I do. And when I can’t answer myself, I feel hopeless and sad. But I don’t want to lose hope. But I am uncertain about what to do. God, please help me I pray. I don’t know how to stop this uncertainty. 

This situation is something that faces me every day. I pray to God and ask if maybe is that the request is ill-formed or if it is not the right thing to ask. But I still don’t know. I feel like a guy going back up every time my mind beats me down again and again. I hope things get better. No, let’s take it up one notch today. Things will get better no matter what. I will be able to fulfill my dream and I will find peace of mind. I say this even in the face of uncertainty.

 

♫ In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains ♫

The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel

The Happiness and Misery of Others.

Eventful day today. A wake-up call in a way. Today is the day of the general strike in my country. I have already seen reports and photos of people throwing rocks, acting violent, and burning car tires. The situation looks dangerous in the streets. The police force has been seen fully armed, patrolling in many sectors and neighborhoods looking to defuse any incident. Still, I came to work today. Hopefully, the day will end without anything bad happening. Still, this isn’t the event I actually want to talk about.

The thing is, today, something happened to a co-worker of mine. I won’t enter in details because this blog isn’t to divulge the private matters of other people. I will only say that what happened was shocking and sad to me. That person is now in a difficult situation. One I can relate all too well. I couldn’t say anything to him. I could only do one thing. I prayed for his well-being. With this, I understood one thing. We all feel emphatic to people because we see ourselves in them. Let’s be kind to one another. Let’s sustain each other in hard times. 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible – Jew, Gentile – Black Man, White.

We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness – not by each other’s misery”. 

The Great Dictator Speech - Charlie Chaplin 

P.S. – If anyone by any chance sees this blog, please do yourself a favor and watch the full speech. It will soothe your soul in times of need. See the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8HdOHrc3OQ

Hopeful I Will Be Alright Tomorrow.

I have decided on something. I am going to try to write every day I can if possible. I was opposed to the idea because I hate feeling like being forced to do this. Makes me feel like anything I write won’t be truthful to my own feelings and thoughts. But after seeing the positive sensation I feel after writing, I think I should try it anyway. When you see that something is helping you deal with a problem like depression, fear, and paranoia, why would you want to stop it? Unless the help is drugs. Don’t depend on getting high to fight depression.

On another matter, I think will discuss something very interesting happening tomorrow. There is a general strike in my country due to the price of gas. I live in a poor third world country. English is not the mother language even. The reason I write this blogs in English is due to the general perspective that what I am doing is weak and only crazy people do it. I have heard there is also a public disdain to talk about mental health matters in developed countries. But I can’t think they are worse than here.

Practically everyone in this country is barely scrapping. When everybody is in a bad situation, who are you to say that your problems are worst than mine. My problems are bad, really bad depending on how you see them. But I am sure others are suffering too. So, we must be strong I find a way to overcome this crisis. I just hope I can get out of poverty and I find peace of mind. Or vice versa, whatever happens first.

♫ Wouldn't you know
We been hurt, been down before
Nigga, when our pride was low
Lookin' at the world like, "Where do we go?"
Nigga, and we hate po-po
Wanna kill us dead in the street fo sho'
Nigga, I'm at the preacher's door
My knees gettin' weak, and my gun might blow
But we gon' be alright ♫

Alright - Kendrick Lamar

P.S. – Let’s hope that I survive tomorrows strike. Here, strikes can become very, very violent. I am not exaggerating. But not The Purge levels violence. 

A Hopeful Fool.

This is unexpected. I am starting to post more on weekends than before. I actually feel good about this. I can personally say that the main purpose of these posts is being fulfilled to a surprising degree. I made this blog to fight my depression through the power of self-reflection and reasoning by writing little pieces of information that would let me understand myself better. I haven't solved none of my problems so far. But I feel like I can breathe. 

Normally you would think that you know yourself, but always remember that you don't. Many, many times we do things that we don't understand. I have personally asked my brain many times what the fuck is wrong with you. Not as a matter of trying to be funny with me but of actual concern for the things I experience and think sometimes. I just hope that my expectations of finding peace and wealth to solve my problems are not mere dreams but actual things waiting for me. Oh, the fool I might be. 

A happy fool maybe.

♫ Oh my

With downtown hair and high rise eyes
So naive to how the skyline lies
Must do nothing for your mind

I know I love you now
But will I love you then?
You can see it in my eyes
It doesn't really matter
'Cause man I'm cold
Man I'm toothless
Man my heart is so suddenly useless
What a fool you've landed
Oh oh oh what a fool you call home ♫

Fool You’ve Landed - Mumford & Sons & The Very Best & Beatenberg

Living Like a Hermit.

Have you ever had to handle an event that was out of your expectations? Have you ever had to pay expenses that were out of your budget? Have you ever had to live like a hermit who tries to eat the most meager things he can find at the cheapest price? Let’s just say that is what happens when you are faced with unexpected medical bills, which you had to incur to become healthy and have peace of mind. Whoever said that health doesn’t have price was either the healthiest man on earth or the doctor charging the service.

This cynical comment is by no means seeking to denigrate the importance of good health. The moment you die, you die. No way around it. But as much love you may have for your well-being, you better hope your wallet can resist the hit. I hope one-day things get better. One day, I won’t feel like crying when I see the problems in front of me. I will be able to take them as a man and throw away any image of myself that looks pathetic. So I wish. 

Oh well…. Time to eat $0.11 salted biscuit cookies. They are cheap and don’t taste bad!

♫ Let's say sunshine for everyone
But as far as I can remember
We've been migratory animals
Living under changing weather

Someday we will foresee obstacles
Through the blizzard, through the blizzard
Today we will sell our uniform
Live together ♫

Obstacles - Syd Matters

P.S. - I am alive. I am content and happy because of that.

Routine Vs Chaos.

Have you ever felt like you are in a never-ending loop? Waking up, going to work, going back home, sleeping, and so on? Time is moving, but we are stuck. This feeling of monotony is unending. Is uncomfortable. I want to break it. But, I actually don’t want to break it. Why? Because our daily routines are our way of mitigating the risk of our daily lives. We don’t want to be in an unexpected situation in which we will be vulnerable to some kind of harm. The routine is used as a medicine to chaos.

But in chaos lies opportunity. I have already threaded the ground I am in right now. I have a good grasp of what is going to happen to me later in the day unless chaos shows its head. This lack of change could easily mean I will be stuck in my current cycle forever more until the day I breathe my last breath. That is scary. My routine consists in trying to spend a little money as possible. I rarely take transportation. I walk long distances to save money. I look for the cheapest food available that doesn’t poison me. I try to live.

But I don’t want to live like that forever. I have dignity. And still being depressed as I might be sometimes, I like to say I love myself. I don’t want to look pathetic. I want to change the cycle. I want to break my current routine for a better quality of life. In Post Malone's own words, I want to “Go Flex”.

♫ Man I just wanna go flex
Gold on my teeth and on my neck
And I'm stone cold with the flex
With my squad and I'm smokin' up a check
Man I just wanna go flex
Gold on my teeth and on my neck
And I'm stone cold with the flex
With my squad and I'm smokin' up a check ♫

Go Flex - Post Malone

P.S. - (I want a better quality of life)

Self-Inflicting Pain Tolerance.

Have you ever committed mistakes so easily avoidable but which create horrible consequences and leave you with the desire of committing suicide for your stupidity? I have lost count of them already. Looking back, and taking a seat to calm down, those mistakes don’t seem so catastrophic. But they still feel too heavy and painful for me. Losing $50.00 of my salary because I didn’t check in according to the system in my workplace is brutal for me. Almost make’s me want to cry.

But I have done it so many times that I feel like I might have a masochist inside the closet. I hope not. I feel enough pain through my own stupidity and ineptitude. I don’t need women dressed in leather whipping me. I don’t know what to do except keep trying to be more disciplined and avoid mistakes. Every time a commit one, I will try to stand up to myself again and fix my own shortcomings so I can find meaning and happiness in my life. Otherwise, I should officially be on suicide watch. Let’s hope not. I like living. As painful as it is. 

♫ May God bless and keep you always

May your wishes all come true

May you always do for others

And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars

And climb on every rung

May you stay

Forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you

May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay
Forever young

May your hands always be busy

May your feet always be swift

May you have a strong foundation

When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful

May your song always be sung

And may you stay

Forever young ♫

Forever Young - Bob Dylan

Unstoppable Storms.

You know what is fun? Looking for the reason of things. Looking for the meaning in a way. I have been trying to take an introspective look into why things happen to me or why I want this or that. A few days I said I wanted money to pay my debt because I felt that I was stagnant in time without being able to move forward. That is a horrible feeling. But today I woke up and found out another reason. It is not only because time is running out for me, but also time is running out for my family. My parents especially. 

My parents are aging. There will come a time in which they won’t be able to fend for themselves. This perfectly normal. But tell me, does it make it any less easy? Imagine one day your mother and your father will need your help and you won’t be able to provide it. You won’t be able to buy their medicine because you don’t have the money and so on. This is terrifying. This is a storm. An Unstoppable Storm which I am trying to fend off with my bare hands by looking for a way to produce more money. 

So far not much luck there. But I will keep looking. For there is no bigger suffering than knowing about a coming danger and not doing anything to prepare for it. Prepare for the storm. 

♫ And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for

But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair ♫

After the Storm - Mumford & Sons

Oh My Dear Misery.

Oh, what a wonderful situation. I came back today to my job after my absence due to medical reasons. Hours later, I find out that the time I took to get better will be discounted from my salary. That means that I won’t be getting paid for seeing a doctor, taking medicine, and taking care of myself even when the pain wasn’t letting me work. Isn’t this great? I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to suck it and just work with the pain. 

To say I feel somewhat miserable right now is an understatement. But this is just part of life. I can’t let this affect me. I need to continue forward with my head held high and just walk past it. But man, fuck me right? Well, enough about feeling pathetic. I write this post to release the poison inside of me and not let it eat me away. I wonder why misery loves company. Isn’t she a little bit cruel to share the pain with everybody she can? Or is it that she wants to humble us? Who knows. Thank God, I am alive.

"Happy people find a way to live with their problems, and miserable people let their problems stop them from living" – Sonya Parker (I think…)

Time and The Golden Rule of Pain.

I had a realization today. I feel that my life is being eaten away slowly. I feel completely paralyzed in time. Now I know why a feel so much pain for the debt I have regarding my college fees. Why do I feel so miserable regarding this subject? Time doesn’t wait for anyone. Time will keep going on and on while my body decays. This gives me the sensation of drowning in my own sorrow. Oh well, I can’t change anything. So, I better try to enjoy the little things I have.

I must always remember the golden rule of pain. In my opinion, there are golden rules for everything in life outside of the absolute golden rule in the Bible which is to treat everyone as you want them to treat you. The golden rule of pain is that no matter what you are suffering right now, it can get worse. We are never 100% screwed until death comes to us. But before arriving at that point, life can become a nightmare without you noticing.

Because of that, let us try to enjoy life to the fullest. Easier said than done of course when you feel depressed. But just try and be happy. I just wish I can pay my college debt. Oh well….

♫ All I have or should
want to be but never could
It’s coming at, it’s coming at, it’s coming at my heart
To spoil my soul with fire

All my eyes can see is
born out of your imagery
It’s coming at, it’s coming at, it’s coming at my heart
To scorch the earth with fire

Tell me who you really love
Tell me who you really love
Tell me who you really love
Who are you to take over my mind
with your eyes on me
All for you I am climbing the sky
of golden green ♫

Golden Green - Agnes Obel

The Monster Revealed.

I went to the doctor. I was suffering a lot of pain from my left shoulder. This was minimal at first but later became unnerving. The doctor set me straight. It seems I have my cervical disc near my neck dehydrated. I asked him if this meant I needed to drink more water or anything with calcium. He looked at me seriously and told me no. This has to do with the amount of oxygen my bloodstream is sending to that part of the body.

This has degraded my spinal cord discs making them atrophied faster than they should for my age. A lot of medical language for me hear. Learned a lot yesterday. The doctor made me buy 5 injections and to do physical therapy to regain some strength in the disc. The results of this medical trip weren’t so bad. I am alive, and things didn’t end that badly in the end. The problem is the penny that this is going to cost me. But some say you can’t put a price to health. Well, you can put a price to the doctors and the medicine.

Well, I am good for now. That is great. Now to fight depression and sadness. May I be scared or struck down by illness or depression, I shall stand up again and grab any sort of hope, for I am human, and I want to be happy. Godspeed…

♫ And I fall
Forever follow in the flame
I give all
Forever following the flame

Winding round
Over and over again
Fated to wander
Strike me down
Over and over again
To come back stronger ♫

Forever Flame - Miracle of Sound (If you have played Dark Souls or like the music of never surrendering, do yourself a favor and look for this song)

Fear, Pain, And Paranoia.

I don’t know what it’s going to happen today. Today is a day of uncertainty which is driving me mad. I am in the middle of an insane battle against my mind trying to find a positive perspective and outlook for my future. The reason is that now, at this moment I am suffering from terrible pain from my left shoulder which is expanding through the entirety of my left upper body and my arm. The pain feels really strong. I already took painkillers but I can still feel it. Is worrisome, to say the least. 

I have been feeling this pain for a while. Didn’t think much of it. But now it feels too real. Feels too strong. I will go to the doctor. I need to. I have been avoiding it because I don’t have the money. But the fear is building right in front of me. A monster is living under my bed and it will grow into a gigantic beast as long as it remains in the dark where everything is possible and the imagination will feed it until the fears become unbearable. I pray that my imagination is the main culprit of my fears and that nothing is too serious.

Fear, pain, and paranoia. These three things combined can destroy you. Do not let them take over you, never. God is your friend, and he tells you; Be brave and be strong.

“ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." 

Joshua 1:9 – BIBLE

♫ I'll prolly die anonymous

I'll prolly die with promises

I'll prolly die walkin' back home from the candy house

I'll prolly die 'cause these colors are standin' out

I'll prolly die because I ain't know Demarcus was snitchin'

I'll prolly die at these house parties, fuckin' with bitches

I'll prolly die from witnesses leavin' me false accused

I'll prolly die from thinkin' that me and your hood was cool

Or maybe die from pressin' the line, actin' too extra

Or maybe die because these smokers

Are more than desperate

I'll prolly die from one of these bats and blue badges

Body slammed on black and white paint, my bones snappin'

Or maybe die from panic or die from bein' too lax

Or die from waitin' on it, die 'cause I'm movin' too fast

I'll prolly die tryna buy weed at the apartments

I'll prolly die tryna diffuse two homies arguin'

I'll prolly die 'cause that's what you do when you're 17

All worries in a hurry, I wish I controlled things ♫

FEAR. – Kendrick Lamar.

When You Are Fed Up With Yourself.

I went on a trip yesterday. I didn’t walk and didn’t pay for a cab or Bus. It wasn’t self-induced with drugs or anything of that nature. The vehicle was my thoughts and spirit. The fuel was my tiredness and my pent-up rage. The destination was the inner deeps of my brain and my psyche. The trip was fun. I was speaking to myself like in a movie making sarcastic and funny comments about how my brain works and how it is tearing me apart. How everything I conjured became a sad drama in my head. 

The setup was “what would happen if I was able to fix each of my present problems”. The first thing I honestly thought was “how I was going to fix the problems that will come after I fix everything in the present”. I exploded. I said, “fuck this shit”. That was just too much. I don’t care how difficult things look now, I can’t live in a constant state of depression that won’t let me see the good things that happen around me. Nothing has changed. Nothing has happened that would make my environment better. 

But my Lord, for the love of everything that is holy, why in the world would I think which problems will come after fixing my present problems? That is just being suicidally masochistic. That is just borderline madness. After that, I shouted to myself “Shut the fuck up, for fuck sake. Things are hard, but enough is enough. THINGS WILL BE ALRIGHT. So give me a fucking break BRAIN.” I felt better after that and I took a breather. I will try to take it easy today.

♬ Alright, I'm ready now, ready now
I ain't gonna, I ain't gonna fall back down now
Alright, I'll take it on, take it on me
Take it on me, hm, baby♬

♬All I ever ask, ever ask
Are you gonna, are you gonna be my lover?
Tonight, and take it with, take it with me
Take it with me♬

♬What if I left and it made no sense
And you tell your friends and they hold your hands?
Baby, nevermind, nevermind
Nevermind, nevermind ♬

Dennis Lloyd - Nevermind

Heavy Days.

Another end of the week for me. After my last mental meltdown, every experience feels mild and soft compared to that. Had to handle some bullshit this week nonetheless like any other day. The news, the relationships with others, the never-ending struggle with my inner demons, and my constant frustration and desperation in the look for a way to fix my current economic and mental problems. Nothing big really. Weekly stuff for me and I am sure for many others looking to improve their lives.

The difficulty of handling bullshit for me is that many times, we are the ones generating that bullshit. Making excuses for our situations, not taking responsibility, and letting our mental problems overrun us when we feel we don’t have anywhere else to go. This isn’t healthy. Pent-up frustration can be a lethal venom for the human heart. This couldn’t be truer, for when we feel incredibly depressed or angry, our chest tightens like if something from the inside started eating us away.

But it doesn’t matter how heavy the chest may feel or even the entire day for that matter. We have to look for or create the medicine for our illness. Let us be happy. Let’s laugh when anxiousness attacks us. Let us breath when our anger takes our breath. I will try to chill and just hear White Iverson by Post Malone.

Have a good day.